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i have a lot's ot thoughts about this and a lot of time to think about it. i've been doing really poor the last two years and going back thru things i've seen there are a lot of bad decision going in a row, that lead me to where I am at now. i'm not ranting or else, just keep track of what i have majorly fucked up. so it's not been a long ago i had pretty decent journo job in a huge company, got a lot, or at least it seemed to me like a lot of bucks, i was single and had couple of kick-ass fuck buddies i always could hang out with, had a band that recorded an album and started going pretty good for a period of time. then, i got heroin. and, you know, heroin (and all the drugs)gives this special smooth glow to everything, but only for a short while. i don't blame it on drugs at all. what happened to me is just a bunch of bad decision in a row, starting with smack. due to these bad decisions i've lost
-at least three great jobs, that would've paid greatly to my 'career';
-connection with my bandmates, not totally destroyed, but still a thing to re-build from now on. and it's been a good 8 years w/ this band.
-all of my musical gear, except the main thing- my epiphone bass. but there was a time i seriously wnated to sell it for dope.
-all of my photographer shit, huge collection of lomography cameras, all went up my femoral for a very short time.
-relationships with various people i liked.
-the pure vibe of being abroad with my band. i had to do gigs in withdrawals, getting fucked up on everything i could put my hands on in a foreign coutry. that was a lesson to learn the hard way. playing w/ Oi Polloi puking behind the amp. sorta child dream meets raw reality.
-missed a brief tour i could've played on.
-relationships w/ family, even though i have partly re-bulid some of it.
-lots of things i do regret now, but the worse is there are a lot of things i do regret NOT: thats what makes it hard as hell for me keep away from new bad decision binge.
i guess everyone has those times around.
this is not another drug-talk thread, at least not my intention for it to be, though my shit is so tightly packed with drugs i'm getting the shivers only thinking about it.
on the other hand all of this shit made me realize that i got a bunch of kick ass friends around, which is a tough life-exam. i found out i'm in love with a girl, whos always been around. not that it made me stop using brown for the sake of her, but it helped me a lot thinking about it. if there's anything that prevents me on going back on the short term, it's losing that friendship.
so, +1 point to me on the whole situation.
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